The Weirdest Licensed Star Wars Merchandise

Earlier than the prequel trilogy launched within the late ‘90s/early noughties and Disney purchased LucasFilm for an exorbitant amount of cash in 2015, Star Wars licensing was a weird no man’s land. Whereas I used to be, admittedly, a bit too younger to recall something apart from plastic lightsabers and scratchy Padme Amidala headpieces, due to a tweet from gaming historian Damiano Gerli, I’m now keenly conscious of simply how bizarre this time interval was.

The tweet in query exhibits an Italian toothpaste business the place Darth Vader (in a helmet that’s airbrushed like an NHL goalie masks) fights an Italian Luke Skywalker (Luca Cielocamminatore, I suppose) on the floor of a rocky planet (might be the Faraglioni Rocks). They’re each preventing with white lightsabers, which looks as if a canon error that will, at the moment, have Lucasfilm kicking down your door. However simply because it seems our Luca goes to lose to Darth Vader, he’s thrown a tube of toothpaste that’s additionally a lightsaber by a girl in flowy white robes.

He prompts the blade and it’s crimson (gasp! That’s a Sith colour) however then it adjustments to blue (gasp! That may’t occur!), earlier than it’s revealed that these are literally simply two very engaging Italian fashions standing of their very ‘90s lavatory, presumably brushing their tooth. I’m guessing this man daydreams about lightsaber battling Darth Vader as a substitute of battling plaque? The business by no means mentions Star Wars, based mostly on my shitty translation and the significantly better translation supplied to me by OG poster Damiano Gerli—which is wild contemplating it is a direct rip-off of the franchise.

However Italian toothpaste isn’t the one bizarre factor Star Wars was related to again within the earlier than Disney instances—in actual fact, European Star Wars shit is unsurprisingly a number of the weirdest stuff. In Germany, Star Wars rest room paper and paper towels have been launched in tandem with Revenge of the Sith (or Die Rache Der Sith), the latter of which had the heroes printed on the paper itself. Not less than that’s what I feel “Star Wars helden auf jeder rolle” means.

Forward of the 3D re-release of The Phantom Menace in 2012, a French quick meals chain known as Fast had two tie-in burgers obtainable so as to add some midichlorians to your pedestrian-ass palate. The burgers in query have been a “Darkish Vador” burger that had a black bun and a “Jedi Burger” which was only a common burger, as soon as once more reminding us that the Jedi are boring, no-fun-havers.

By no means one to get upstaged by the remainder of mainland Europe, British-owned airline Virgin Atlantic had specifically branded barf baggage for the discharge of the Revenge of the Sith online game. In case you keep in mind simply how badly the prequels botched telling the story of Anakin Skywalker’s fall (you’ll be able to watch the Clone Wars animated collection to repair that) and have to hurl, you are able to do so proper into considered one of these baggage. Though I’m assuming they maintain collectively about in addition to George Lucas’ clarification of the connection between Anakin’s fall and Luke’s rise.

Over right here in America, issues are a unique model of bizarre. The notorious Jar-Jar Binks lollipop that makes the enjoyer appear like they’re deepthroating Gungan tongue was a selection, and never a very good one.

However even after Disney purchased the franchise and milked it for all its value like Luke milks these thala-sirens in The Final Jedi, Star Wars has inexplicably been tied-in with produce at your native grocery retailer. In 2015, we acquired baggage of Star Wars apples, oranges and lettuce, in addition to particular person Star Wars stickers for the banana bunches. 

Whereas none of that is as bizarre as rest room paper and airbrushed Darth Vader preventing a toothpaste-wielding Italian man, it’s nonetheless fascinating to see how Star Wars licenses are used to hawk shit. Personally, I feel they’re lacking out on the intercourse toys market—a Kylo Ren lightsaber dildo would make a killing at Comedian-Con.