‘DO NOT MENTION SWITCH 2’ – We Infiltrate Nintendo And Sneak A Peek At Its 2024 Calendar

Within the journal enterprise, the Again Web page is the place you’d discover all of the bizarre goofs that we could not slot in wherever else. Some could name it “filler”; we want “an entire web page to make horrible jokes which might be tangentially associated to the content material of the magazine”. We do not have pages on the web, however we nonetheless love horrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular function, Again Web page.

At the moment, Jim sneaks into Nintendo HQ and spills the contents of a file marked ‘PLAN B’…

I haven’t got a lot time so I’ll maintain this fast.

Because of the diligent work of my uncle, I used to be in a position to sneak my method into the Nintendo’s secret vault positioned in an undisclosed London location.

As I moved by the shadows previous rooms stocked with pre-boxed copies of Zelda remasters and a door that merely learn “MOTHER 3 (WEST) — DO NOT OPEN”, I stumbled upon a desk, affected by recordsdata and numerous Nintendo paraphernalia that instantly caught my eye.

Poking by a stack of Geno amiibo, I seen a black folder with “PLAN B” written on the highest. My curiosity received the higher of me, and, sweeping apart the plastic collectible figurines, I lifted the Wii U GamePad paperweight which was conserving every part so as and took a look on the contents.

What I learn shocked me to my very core. These have been the plans for the approaching yr, a yr with out the ‘Swap 2’. Thumbing the pages, I noticed swathes of re-releases and remasters, all fine-tuned of their scheduling to maintain the Nintendo fanboys onside because the Swap marches by its eighth yr available on the market.

Out of the blue, footsteps. I grabbed my cellphone and snapped up some footage of probably the most surprising pages whereas committing the remainder to reminiscence. I shut the folder and shortly leapt into a close-by cupboard filled with unreleased LABO packs and Wiimote equipment. The guard — a big American man with the construct of Reggie Fils-Aimé (although I didn’t see his face) — handed by the room and I used to be in a position to escape.

I’m positive that I’ve mere minutes earlier than lethal ninjas observe me down. However this data needs to be seen. Please take what I’ve to indicate you as absolute reality.

That is what I can keep in mind (and what I used to be quick sufficient to {photograph}) from Nintendo’s console-less 2024 plans.

“PLAN B” – Nintendo Secret Plans 2024

The opening web page was uninteresting and unassuming. It laid out precisely what the doc was going to be about. A transparent message of “DO NOT MENTION SWITCH 2 UNTIL 2025” instantly caught my eye and I could not assist however discover that any person had doodled within the backside nook. Is {that a} PS5 on hearth? Did Miyamoto draw that? The questions would solely proceed from right here…

There was no faffing about from right here on in. You may assume that an essential doc corresponding to this could have somewhat extra filler to cover the juicy bits, however I can let you know that’s incorrect. This can be a actual file and clearly whoever made it didn’t have the time or inventive energy to pad it out with pointless corporatespeak.

And so we hit the plans for the February 2024 Direct:

Loopy, proper? Sure, the discharge dates are fairly unsurprising and, after all, one other Kirby remaster is on the best way, however who would have thought that the hotly-anticipated Zelda double-pack could be Phantom Hourglass and Spirit Tracks??

Talking of actual gob-smackers, I believed that it will be value grabbing a snap of the web page titled “Da Films” (I can solely assume in a reference to that one Vin Diesel video). We knew that Nintendo was seeking to department out and turn into a multi-armed leisure firm, however that is subsequent stage:

A discarded post-it observe carelessly tossed apart appeared to counsel that Nintendo is searching for extra Doug Bowser-style name-to-brand synergy in its executives over the approaching months. Vanessa Kirby, Ridley Scott, Zelda Williams, and Gino D’Acampo (pending spelling change) have been all given as potential choices.

The June Direct web page left me with much more questions: When will the remasters finish? Who would go away such an essential doc on the desk? Is that the Aerial font? However Reggie the guard’s footsteps have been getting louder and I knew that the contents needed to be seen to be believed.

I had an inkling that a few of the remasters this yr have been going to lean somewhat obscure, however bringing again the Tremendous Scope Battle Conflict sequel, Steel Fight: Falcon’s Revenge? That feels somewhat like scraping the underside of the barrel. Hey, if Nintendo can actually nail the Swap movement controls, then we would simply be onto one thing there.

Being tight for time, I skipped previous taking pictures of the subsequent few pages. One was all a couple of cellular app named ‘Pikmin Bloomier‘ and had loads of red-penned notes subsequent to its contents. One other detailed an extended e-mail chain during which Masahiro Sakurai repeatedly requested for a Child Icarus: Rebellion Swap port however would not clarify how he had “revolutionised the management scheme” when requested.

And so we hit the final web page that I used to be in a position to {photograph} till I needed to flee: plans for the ultimate Direct of the yr. Truthfully, it appears to be like like we will be going out with a little bit of a whimper, although the emphasised “DO NOT MENTION SWITCH 2” hammers residence the truth that 2025 may be completely different.

I hope that the above data has been helpful. It was a harmful mission, however this deserves to be seen.

Fortunately, I appear to have escaped unhurt. Sure, the yellow van with ‘Tremendous Mario Bros. Plumbing’ written on the facet has been parked out the entrance of my home for a number of days now, however I am positive that is nothing to fret about.